[JOKES]Animal Election

The purpose of the meeting of the animals in the forest is to elect an animal who knows human beings and lead them to deal with human beings. The reason is that the development of human beings increasingly threatens the survival of animals.

The first person on the stage was the mouse, who said, "I live in a human house, and I know very well that humans come out to harass humans when they are sleeping. Many humans are schizophrenic because of us! So this representative is not who I am!"

Up just before the cat is away mice has heavy said: "you are a small mouse in the human eyes is a fart ah, is you of the presence of humans to put my training into killer at night, let me become a cat family special kinds! Who say understand human except cat! What I can lead you to the human mouse medicine poison in human food, because human is absolutely trust the cat in the evening, so I should be the representative."


Cats haven't down dogs ran up coldly said: "damn, you are now a dead cat human almost put you out, use modern weapons to catch mice, don't let you catch mice when pet you won't wag its tail, guarding your muscles don't developed, you also is a dispensable role, I can not, as is human loyal friend, know all kinds of methods of curry favor with the human, I know the human is the most people, so you should choose me, who would have thought that the most close animal would hurt him?"

After the dog made a speech, there were no animals coming up, the dog was secretly satisfied that I was the representative of when settled, then from below came a sound: "brothers killed the three human side of the bastard, to the human a xiama wei!" Then the animals all rushed forward...

[JOKES]Mark Twain's humorous stories

Mark Twain, an American novelist, once stayed in a hotel in Chicago. He was checking in at the desk when a mosquito came. Mark Twain said to the waiter, "I have heard that the mosquito is very clever, and so it was. It came to see my room number in advance, so that it could come in the evening and have a good meal."


The waiter couldn't help laughing. Mark Twain slept well that night because the bellman remembered the room number and did everything he had to do in advance.

By chance, Mark Twain and the orator johnsy m. debiao were invited to the same dinner party.

The speech began, and johnsy m. debiao spoke for 20 minutes, to great applause. Then it was Mark Twain's turn.

Mark Twain stand up and face has be reluctant to say: "all of you here, I'm very sorry, before Mr Johnsy m. to puma swap speeches about me, so you just hear my speech, I sincerely thank you seriously listen to and enthusiastic support. However, somehow, I can't find johnsy m. puma's notes, so I can't speak for him. Please you to forgive me to sit down."

French celebrity bogai made fun of the short history of americans, saying: "americans often like to remember their ancestors when they have nothing to do, but when they think of their grandfathers, they have to stop."

Mark Twain replied, "when the French are free, they always try to find out who their father is, but it is very difficult to find out."

When Mark Twain was a little-known writer, he was introduced to general grant.

After they shook hands, twain could think of nothing to say, and grant maintained his usual reticence. At last Mark Twain stammered, "I am embarrassed, general, and you?"

Mark Twain went out for a ride. When the conductor checked the ticket, he searched every pocket but could not find his own. The conductor knew him, so he comforted Mark Twain and said, "it doesn't matter, if you can't find your ticket, it doesn't matter." "Why, it doesn't matter. I must find the damned ticket, or how will I know where I'm going?"


Mark Twain often tells people of a sad time when he was a child. It is said that when Mark Twain was born as a twin, he and his twin brother were so alike that even their mother could not tell them apart.

One day, while the nurse was bathing them, one of them fell into the bathtub and drowned. No one knew which twin had drowned.

"That's the saddest part." Mark Twain said, "everyone thinks I'm the one who survived, but I'm not. My brother survived. I was the one who drowned."





Mark Twain was accused of lying by a critic who liked to quibble over details. Mark Twain replied: if you do not know how to tell a lie, have no ability to tell a lie, have no knowledge of how to tell a lie, how do you know I am a liar? Only those who are experienced in this field have the right to make such a flagrant accusation. "

Mark Twain was invited to a dinner party.

During the dinner, he said to a lady: "madam, you are too beautiful!" But the woman said, "Sir, I regret that I cannot answer you in the same way." The quick-witted and sharp-tongued Mark Twain smiled and replied, "that's all right. You can tell lies like me."



Mark Twain received a letter. It was written by a young man who wanted to ask Mark Twain the secret of becoming a great writer. "I've heard that fish contain a lot of phosphorus, which is good for the brain," the letter said. "it seems you must eat a lot of fish to be a great writer. Mark Twain wrote back, "it seems you'll have to eat a whale."

[JOKES]The most easiest road in life is downhill

1.Christmas day let me a person pass, New Year's day also let me a person pass, valentine's day also let me a person pass, have the ability to test you let me a person PASS!

2. What a cute little creature a mosquito would be if it smoked fat instead of blood.


3. What's wrong with the world when you dress like this?


4. I will be in seclusion for a month. Don't call me, because I will come out when I am called.


5. Life is funny. Live or die.


6.It is said that the way to ruin a good song is to use it as an alarm clock, and the way to ruin a good book is to include it in the exam.


7. They say the Internet is fake, I smile, as if the reality is very real.


8. Hard work makes the boss rich!


9 the most thoughtful you are your shoes, do not think it dirty, because you walk the road is not clean.


10. Otaku is a very unstable state, as long as a power failure, will degenerate into caveman.


11.Nothing can go wrong if you try.


12. Only rich people are single. Are you single? You that call bachelor!


13.The so-called maturity is from a tadpole into a frog, not from a small tadpole into a big tadpole.


14. There is a woman who can make you a millionaire, but only if you are a multimillionaire.


15. Go out on your friends, make a fool of yourself.


16. I know that life has no end, but at least, I have to make sure I eat well while I'm at it!


17.I am relieved to know that you are not doing well.


18 I am a very principled person, my principle only three words: to see the mood.


19 The most easiest road in life is downhill


20. You don't know who's swimming naked until the tide goes out.

[JOKES]Hounds and Sheeps

A rancher raised many sheep. His neighbor was a hunter, and kept a pack of fierce hounds in his yard.

The hounds often jumped over the fence and attacked the lambs in the pasture.

Several times the rancher asked the hunter to keep the dog, but the hunter did not agree and promised, but a few days later, his hunting dog jumped into the pasture and rushed into the field, biting several sheep. The unbearable rancher asked the town judge to judge. Hearing his complaint, the reasonable judge said, "I can punish the hunter, or I can issue a decree to make him lock up the dog. But then you lose a friend and gain an enemy. "Neighbors with friends, of course." "Said the rancher. "Well, I'll advise you to do as I tell you. Not only will your sheep be safe from disturbance, but you'll have a friendly neighbor." The judge said so. The rancher says yes. As soon as they got home, the farmer chose the three sweetest lambs as the judge had told him, and gave them to the hunter's three sons. Seeing the white and meek lamb, the children are like treasure, every day after school to play with the little lamb in the yard. For fear that the dogs should hurt their sons!

The lamb and the hunter made a big iron cage and locked the dog up. Since then, the rancher's sheep have never been disturbed. In return for the rancher's kindness, the hunters began to send him game of all kinds. Gradually the two became good friends. The best way to persuade a man is to think for him, so that he can benefit from it. "To persuade a person, the best thing to do is to do what's best for him, let him can also benefit from it", many quotes are simple and understandable, but to use in the life of the things to still need to practice, after all, when if shit I met such a neighbor, angry heart often obscures the wisdom, and make the people choose to hurt each other for the way to solve problems.

[JOKES] leather shoes came from

Long, long ago, humans walked barefoot.

A king was traveling in some remote country where the road was so rough and full of broken stones that his feet hurt and hurt.

When he got back to the palace, he gave an order that all the roads in the kingdom should be covered with cowhide.

This, he thought, would not only benefit himself, but also benefit his people, so that they could walk without the pain.

But even if all the cattle in the country were killed, there would not be enough leather to raise, and the money and labor would be too little.

It was impossible, and even foolish, to do so, but at the king's command they could only shake their heads and sigh.

A wise servant ventured to offer advice to the king: "o king, why do you want to make a public sacrifice by sacrificing so many oxen and spending so much money? Why don't you just cover your feet with two pieces of ox hide?"

The king was surprised, but he understood, and at once withdrew his order and adopted the proposal. It is said that this is the origin of "leather shoes".

It's hard to change the world. It's easier to change yourself.

Instead of changing the world, change yourself first -- "wrap your feet around".

Change oneself some idea and course of action, in order to resist external invasion.

When you change, the world in your eyes will naturally change with you.

If you want to see the world change, the first thing you must change is yourself.

"If the heart changes, the attitude will change; if the attitude changes, the habit will change; if the habit changes, the life will change.

[JOKES]Depend on ourselves

There's one fun and little story.

Small snail asked his mother: why we were born, to carry this hard and heavy shell?

Mother: because our bodies have no skeleton support, can only climb, and climb fast. So the protection of this shell!

Small snail: caterpillar elder sister does not have a bone, also climb fast, why does she need not carry this hard and heavy shell however?

Mother: because the caterpillar sister can become a butterfly, the sky will protect her.

Small snail: but the earthworm younger brother also did not have the bone to climb fast, also can't become the butterfly he what don't carry this hard and heavy shell?

Mother: because the earthworm brother can drill the earth, the earth will protect him.

Little snail cried: we are poor, the sky does not protect, the earth does not protect.

Mother snail comfort him: "so we have shells!"

We don't depend on the sky or the earth. But we depend on ourselves.

[Jokes]Humor with wisdom

Witty answer to reporter

Franklin Roosevelt served four terms as President of the United States. On March 25, 1944, franklin Roosevelt was re-elected for a fourth term as President of the United States. A reporter from pioneer BBS asked the 32nd President how he felt about his re-election. Roosevelt smiled and offered the reporter two sandwiches. The reporter thought it was an honor and ate it soon. Roosevelt asked him to take the third piece, the reporter was flattered, although the stomach is no longer needed, but he still eat it. Roosevelt smiled and said, "there is no need to answer your questions now, because you already know what you feel."



Hard to Say

Because of President Coolidge's reticence, many people always took great pride in talking to him. At a dinner party, a lady sitting next to Coolidge tried to get him to talk to her more. She said, "Mr. Coolidge, I made a bet that I could get more than three words out of you." "You lose! Coolidge said.

Once a famous lady of society sat shoulder to shoulder with the President, and she talked on and on, but the President remained silent. She had to say to him, "Mr. President, you are too quiet. Today I must try to get you to say something more, more than two words." President Coolidge muttered, "in vain."



Switch watch

George Washington was the first President of the United States. He has a young secretary. One morning the secretary arrived late. He found Washington waiting for him. Feeling guilty, he said that something was wrong with his watch. Washington calmly replied, "I'm afraid you'll have to change your watch, or I'll have to change my secretary."

[JOKES]Humor Stories Of Albert Einstein

Albert Einstein’s wife often suggested that he dress more professionally,
when he headed off to work.
“Why should I?” he would invariably argue.
Everyone knows me there.”
When the time came for Einstein to attend his first major conference,
she begged him to dress up a bit.
“Why should I?” said Einstein.
“No one knows me there

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Albert Einstein was often asked to explain the general theory of relativity.
“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour,”
he once declared.
“Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.
That’s relativity!”

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When Albert Einstein was working in Princeton university,
one day he was going back home he forgot his home address.
The driver of the cab did not recognize him.
Einstein asked the driver if he knows Einstein’s home.
The driver said “Who does not know Einstein’s address?
Everyone in  Princeton knows.
Do you want to meet him?”.
Einstein replied “I am Einstein.
I forgot my home address, can you take me there? ”
The driver reached him to his home and did not even collect his fare from him .

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Einstein was once travelling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle,
punching the tickets of every passenger.
When he came to Einstein,
Einstein reached in his vest pocket.
He couldn’t find his ticket,
so he reached in his trouser pockets.
It wasn’t there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn’t find it.
Then he looked in the seat beside him.
He still couldn’t find it.
The conductor said,
‘Dr. Einstein, I know who you are.
We all know who you are.
I’m sure you bought a ticket.
Don’t worry about it.’
Einstein nodded appreciatively.
The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets.
As he was ready to move to the next car,
he turned around and saw the great physicist
down on his hands and knees
looking under his seat for his ticket.
The conductor rushed back and said,
‘Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don’t worry,
I know who you are. No problem.
You don’t need a ticket.
I’m sure you bought one.’
Einstein looked at him and said,
‘Young man, I too, know who I am.

What I don’t know is where I’m going. That’s why I am searching my ticket”

[JOKES] 45th floor of a high-rise hotel

Three people went to New York for their holidays. They booked a suite on the 45th floor of a high-rise hotel.

One night, when the elevator in the building broke down, the attendant arranged for them to spend the night in the lobby.

After they had talked it over, they decided to walk back to their room on foot and agreed to take turns telling jokes, singing songs and telling stories.

To ease the climb.

The joke was told, the song was sung, and when we finally reached the 34th floor, we all felt exhausted.

"Well, Peter, tell me a humorous story."

Peter said, "it's not a long story, but it's very sad: I left my key in the hall."

Insight: we pain, so humor; We are humorous, so happy.

[JOKES] I can't drink this soup

Mike went into the restaurant and ordered a soup, which was immediately brought to him by the waiter.

As soon as the waiter left, mike shouted, "sorry, I can't drink this soup."

When the waiter brought him another soup, he said, "sorry, I can't drink this soup."

The waiter had to call the manager.

The manager nodded respectfully at mike.

Said: "Sir, this dish is our best, popular with customers, do you..."

"I mean, where's the spoon?"



Epiphany: correcting mistakes is a good thing.

But we often change the right, leaving the wrong, the result is wrong

[Jokes] Get up and off to school

Mother is waking her son: “John, come, wake up, you have to go to school.”

“Aw mom, just a bit more sleep, please.”

“No, it’s really high time, now get up.”

“But I don’t want to. The children annoy me and the teachers are a complete pain!”

“Stop it, now. Get up and off to school with you!”

“Mom, give me two good reasons why I should go to the stupid school.”

“John, first of all, you’re 45, and second, you’re the headmaster.”

[Jokes]Iron man's super humor of super hero

“Let’s face it, this is not the worst thing you’ve caught me doing.”

When Pepper Potts walks in on Tony messing with his Iron Man suit, this classic Stark comeback cannot be beaten.

This one of the classic scene in the iron man series, it's very funny.


5 Best quotes of Iron Man

1. “My armor was never a distraction or a hobby, it was a cocoon, and now I’m a changed man. You can take away my house, all my tricks and toys, but one thing you can’t take away – I am Iron Man.”

2. “I’m Tony Stark. I build neat stuff, got a great girl, occasionally save the world. So why can’t I sleep?”

3. “I need to find this guy. You gotta stay safe. That’s all I know. I just stole a poncho from a wooden Indian.”

4. “A famous man once said, ‘We create our own demons.’ Who said that? What does that even mean? Doesn’t matter. I said it ’cause he said it. So now, he was famous and that basically getting said by two well-known guys. I don’t, uh… I’m gonna start again.”

5. “Things are different now, I have to protect the one thing that I can’t live without. That’s you.”

[JOKES] Upgrade Boy Friend

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command "! http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember,overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.

These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend! Food 3.0 and HotLingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

[JOKES]Are you two twins

Are you two twins?

No, why do you ask?

Because mommy dressed you both in the same clothes.

OK that’s enough, your driver’s license please.

[JOKES]Lawyer fee

A man goes to the lawyer: “What is your fee?”

Lawyer says: “1000 US dollars for 3 questions.”

Man: “Wow - so much! Isn’t it a bit expensive?”

Lawyer: “Yes, what is your third question?”

[JOKES]are bugs good to eat?

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?"


"That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies.


After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?"


"Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

[JOKES]HIDE AND SEEK

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. 

One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. 

One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. 
Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. 
Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. 

Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" 

"Playing a game," the boy replied. 

"What is your name?" the officer questioned. 

"Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" 

The boy replied, "Why, yes."

[JOKES]Salary of $125,000 a year

Reaching the end of a job interview,

the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology,

"And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The engineer replies: "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires:

"Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation,

14 paid holidays,

full medical and dental,

company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary,

and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer sits up straight and says: "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replies: "Yeah, but you started it."

[JOKES]How many cats?

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

[JOKES] Children Joke of tea party

Mom went shopping, leaving Dad in charge of their daughter. Suzie was about 18 months old and loved playing with her new tea set. Dad was engrossed in the evening news when Suzie brought him a little cup of 'tea' (really just plain water).

He praised her good 'cooking,' so she brought him more. After several cups of 'tea,' and much praise, Mom came home.

"Honey, watch this," said Dad and had her wait in the living room as Suzie brought him another cup of tea.

"Isn't she just the cutest?"

Mom waited until he had polished off yet another cup of 'tea' before asking, "Did you ever think that the only place a baby can get water is the toilet?!"